Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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