The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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