My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
