If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
