Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
