I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
