the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
