i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
