Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The beers last night were like the tears from god
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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