I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
