He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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