I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
