Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
