I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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