do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
