Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
