i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
