I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
