then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
