I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
