my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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