you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
