You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
