i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
