if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
