I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
