Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
