Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
...so i touched it.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
