If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
