Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
