I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
