I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
