she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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