how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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