she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
