I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
