i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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