When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
