the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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