He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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