You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
