I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
