it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
