Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
