I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
