The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
