i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
