So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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