I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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