i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I want to have your abortion
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
