yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
