omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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